THE LIGHT IN ME THAT SHINES BRIGHTLY

For weeks now, I’ve been singing and humming to myself snippets of Mariah Carey’s hit “Can’t Take That Away”. I thought MC’s style of singing was just her way of singing and had nothing to do with the lyrics of her songs. Alas, I forgot that she is a songwriter too, has been since her first album! For I knew not what reason, the title of this song popped up from the videoke song list we had at home and I tried to sing it. Of course, I could not replicate MC’s amazing style, but as I was reading and singing the lyrics, it was only then when I realized the dynamics in MC’s vocal style was an expression of her emotions and conviction. MC went through hard times years back and I would guess this song is one of her “comeback” songs – literally and figuratively speaking.

“But I refuse to falter in what I believe and lose faith in my dreams… ‘cause there’s a light in me that shines brightly… They can try, but they can’t take that away from me…”

Tears rush to gush out of my eyes whenever I come across these lines… They embody the central theme of the song and it cuts straight to my heart and soul every time.

Last night, I was taken over by depressing thoughts brought about by fear of the always uncertain future, not for me, but for my son. I had him when I was not yet ready to be a mother. I tried to provide the best motherhood experience I can give to him until he was about five (5) years old. Since he had a speech impediment at age 2 ½, I had always regarded him as special and in the process, undermined in my mind his ability to cope with the challenges of the real world like ordinary persons can. I guess I had wanted him to be extraordinary and I am now alarmed because he isn’t ordinary.

Whatever his weaknesses are, I have to believe that he’ll be alright. Not everyone was raised by perfect parents in perfect neighborhoods and educated in perfect educational systems. I just have to trust in God because I know that He is good and He will provide. He will take care of my children because I, alone, cannot. I am their mother not because of me, but because of my children… and I wouldn’t have begotten children if it weren’t for the infinite power and wisdom of Him who sees all things and knows all things. We are here because of Him and I have to believe that His grace is enough to take me through wherever, whatever His will brings me.

“See I have learned there’s an inner peace I own… Something in my soul that they cannot possess so I won’t be afraid and darkness will fade… ‘cause there’s a light in me that shines brightly… They can try, but they can’t take that away from me…”

OVERCAST

I stare at the blankness of the chaos around me
As a breather from the chaos within
Will it still be called chaos when the answer's there
Already but it's covered by transparent layers?
In five cycles of the minute hand, I will be reborn
Will I face the answer then? Or,
Will I continue to wear out myself
In weighing the choices I have?
Options can sometimes be a curse,
As difficult as when there are none
But what is there to learn
Than to be a decisive one?
I stared at the blankness now within me
The chaos has blurred underneath
And blackness has wrapped my wholeness
Paralyzing me in this moment
My lips are sealed, tongue tucked in my throat
"I flit, I float..." and so the song goes...
The skies are heavy but the rains do not come

GREEN THUMB

You planted a dream in my heart for me to believe I can
For me to lift up to You when I think that I just can’t
You planted a dream for me to start that I might achieve,
Glorify You and help others live
You planted a dream to get me to act
To become restless and go beyond chartered lands
You planted a dream and I now believe
In dreams, in You, in others and in me

I want to write a short story

For weeks now, the idea has been nagging at me, especially when I'm on the bus to and from work. This morning I saw a newspaper boy (man) squatting on the highway island as he meticulously folds and arranges his wares. I bet he'll be ready to jump to the street when the red light flashes. I wondered how his life would have been and what kind of conflict I would have made up to write a story based on his character. Perhaps he was a dreamer but as a teen got lost in the chaotic world of drugs and gangs? Nah... too common. Even Bong Revilla's films are based on that plot. Hmmm... maybe he is just a simple guy who falls in love (my forte is on love stories... I wonder why... ) with a Makati office girl? Nah... sounds like a Precious Hearts plot. Or maybe, he's an undercover agent? Oh no, I must have been watching too many action films as of late! (darn those buses...)

Oh well, I might as well spend some alone time and pressure myself to finally write another short story. Then perhaps I can take on that dream of producing a novel. Then maybe this silent journalist will cease to be silent and finally make waves in the bookstores and shops around town and online. Who knows? :-)

A Sketch of Encouragement

Last night, my son asked if he has art class the next day because he knows it’ll be Wednesday. I asked if he still wants to continue the classes. He said no. When I asked why, he just said he was getting tired. It was his normal answer whenever he doesn’t want to do something we asked him to do. I can’t exactly remember what kept us from pursuing the conversation but we both got distracted and forgot all about it that night.

This morning, he asked me again if he has art class. Again he told me he doesn’t want to anymore. When I asked why, his answer (and more so the underlying personality for it) surprised me. My son said, “Kasi pangit po ang drawing ko sabi ni Tito Sky”. Tito Sky is the new alias of my Tito Rudy, a family friend and my former teacher in the same basic visual arts class around 20 years ago. I take no offense at whatever Tito Sky said because between him and me, he’s the expert in art. And besides, Tito Sky already expressed his observation of IE --- in that my son was talented but he was impatient and rushed his works. Thus, the reason I was bothered was my son’s “quitter” attitude.

I took a deep breath and started to dress up for work. Then, I asked IE to sit down with me at our table. Calmly, I told him that I believe that he draws well, and his lolo (who’s also talented in the visual arts) thinks he’s gifted in that area; and that, as his mommy, he has to believe what I say (kinda authoritarian, but the situation calls for it). Then he said he was getting tired (his usual alibi) already. So I said, “Kailangan maniwala ka kay Mommy. Magaling kang mag-drawing, anak. Kung sinabi ni Tito Sky na pangit ang drawing mo, eh di dapat galingan mo sa susunod. Ipakita mo na magaling ka.”

Then I asked him “Di ba gusto mong maging pilot at race car driver?” At this, he got quite excited. He said, “No, I want to be a spaceman and a pilot.” I smiled and said, “Kung gusto mong maging spaceman at pilot, kailangan magaling ka sa mga ginagawa mo. Dapat may dream ka --- yung gusto mong maging. Kita mo ang mga pulubi, kaya sila ganun, kasi tinatamad sila. Ang sabi nila, ‘ay, ayoko mag-aral at magtrabaho, manghihingi na lang ako ng pera’. Kaya ganun sila. Gusto mo bang maging katulad nila?”

Of course, he said no, and I saw that he was quite convinced. Whatever part of him was discouraged due to the negative comment on his work regained its confidence. So I told him that he has to do better in his art class and not to rush. Then I prepared his breakfast and asked him to take a bath and ready himself as I am about to accompany him to the art studio for his class. He was again his happy self as we drove to the art supplies store and bought a new box of oil pastels and gum eraser. When we arrived at the studio, I paid for the next 10 sessions of the class. My son pointed at the blue motorcycle parked outside the studio, saying, “Kay Tito Sky yun o.” So we went up to the art studio and he sat down at his desk. I talked to Tito Sky and said goodbye to my son. He shouted back happily, “Bye Mommy!” And I smiled, knowing that this morning, I made a big difference in my son’s life. I thank God for the opportunity and the guidance to do what I just did, and I hope to continue to be God’s instrument in forming this precious gift of His to be the best he can be.

12-May-2010 / 218pm

Light of the World

Yesterday, the community prayer here at the office touched on the Gospel where Jesus called us to be SALT of the earth and LIGHT of the world. Now, this. In this morning's gospel (Mark 1:21-28) is the call to embody the spirit of the LAW: Love, Mercy, Justice & Peace, as Jesus has lived it, unlike the teachers of the Law at that time.

I realized it's not enough to declare to the world that I'm a practicing Catholic, an active member of a charismatic community, an employee in a Catholic institution, an awardee of the "Huwarang Pamilya" (or Model Family) in our parish.

I HAVE TO LIVE IT.

In the past months, I've become a negative person. I complained about my husband... a lot. Without knowing it, I've painted a negative picture of my husband to my officemates. But I can't take it back now --- I've already said those things, which, although true, do not make up the whole of his being.

The challenge for me now is to become God's LIGHT to the world I live in --- my workplace, my family, my community. Lately, I've become ill-tempered again.

Jesus, help me please. Mold me and change me. Create in me a clean heart. I want to embody the spirit of the Law as You have. Let me be a Light to others. Amen

===

After writing this, I paused for a few minutes and invited God to speak to me. Perhaps there were a lot going on in my mind that I was not able to listen nor to see the image of Jesus in my mind. Instead, however, I saw gray and white waves and flows, like white smoke in a dim room... and I kept hearing the words: "I love you... I love you..."

Three words repeated over and over were all that I heard in the chaos that is in my mind. I knew it was my Father in Heaven speaking (no, practically shouting I guess) to me. And I am assured. Thank You dear God, thank You! I love You!

Dark Clouds

The dark clouds of depression that came on Saturday rolled over to the first day of the last week at work for the year. It felt like being stuck in desert sand up to the knees, with some more sand being poured on you, as if you were inside a huge hourglass, trapped. It felt like being afloat in the middle of the ocean, with the waves tossing you about, as if you were inside a giant snowglobe-like paperweight, only filled with oil and water; again, trapped.

Last night, on my way home, I typed away the truths I've kept hidden in my heart. The negative feelings I repressed, knowing they were not of God, have caused cracks in my already broken heart. I have kept a lid on my feelings, especially on those of hurt, anger, envy, and as a consequence, have caused my heart to bleed. An inflamed heart is sensitive. A pin-sized prick is enough to make it burst. And that's what happened to me.

Good thing or bad thing? Who knows? I shocked myself when I vented out my frustration at the office pantry table. I found myself admitting the envy that has been eating me up. The silent sacrifices have only brought more whips to my already wounded spirit. Impatience has been wearing me down. I was tired. Physically. Emotionally. And to top it all, I was spiritually weak. I was fortunate to have wise men and women with me at that time. Their words were the lifesaver in the middle of the ocean, the rope ladder in the endless desert sand. But I knew I needed more. When I finished writing last night all the things that have been racing in my mind and ravaging my heart, I wrote a short prayer asking God's grace for faith, hope and charity. I knew I couldn't do it alone.

This morning, I read an article from an email forwarded by a dear friend. It talked of the devil's temptation, and that God is not the source of evil. Yesterday, God used Ms. Nena to impart the message on Job's story from the old testament to me. Today, He again used the internet to tell me the same message.

It made me realize that I am actually blessed. On a t-shirt I have in my cabinet, it was printed "I am God's favored one". Indeed, I felt the candle of hope light up a little brighter. I felt blessed because I knew God was making me stronger. He allowed things to happen not because He wanted me to be miserable. However, it was the devil who has been feeding me with the negative emotions fueled by envy and pride that has led to the depression and hopelessness that darkened my weekend, just a few days before Christmas Day.

I felt blessed because I believe that no matter how difficult the circumstances are right now, God's grace and blessings are always much much greater. He loves me more than I can ever know.

In closing, I am sharing the last few paragraphs of what I was able to write down last night. I pray that you will also feel blessed. It is an honor to be made an instrument of God's message and love. Merry Christmas! :-)

"I felt the devil was responsible for the feelings of depression and unhappiness, anger and envy and discontent that I had been feeling. I know I needed to truly let go of my fears and with full trust in God, jump from the cliff and into God’s loving arms. He is waiting for me. God has always been with me. But I kept ignoring Him the moment I feel better. Whatever I’m experiencing, I know God is carrying me. I know I needed to undergo these things because God is purifying me. God is making me strong. Because I am weak, I give up easily, I am unforgiving. He wants me to be perfect, as He had intended me to be when He created me in His image.

Lord God, fill me with Your comforting Spirit. Help me become better. Help me to peel off the wrappings and trappings of envy, anger, discontent, and fear from my heart and soul. Grant me the grace to be always filled with hope and faith, that I may be able to love myself and others as You have loved me. Amen."