Dark Clouds

The dark clouds of depression that came on Saturday rolled over to the first day of the last week at work for the year. It felt like being stuck in desert sand up to the knees, with some more sand being poured on you, as if you were inside a huge hourglass, trapped. It felt like being afloat in the middle of the ocean, with the waves tossing you about, as if you were inside a giant snowglobe-like paperweight, only filled with oil and water; again, trapped.

Last night, on my way home, I typed away the truths I've kept hidden in my heart. The negative feelings I repressed, knowing they were not of God, have caused cracks in my already broken heart. I have kept a lid on my feelings, especially on those of hurt, anger, envy, and as a consequence, have caused my heart to bleed. An inflamed heart is sensitive. A pin-sized prick is enough to make it burst. And that's what happened to me.

Good thing or bad thing? Who knows? I shocked myself when I vented out my frustration at the office pantry table. I found myself admitting the envy that has been eating me up. The silent sacrifices have only brought more whips to my already wounded spirit. Impatience has been wearing me down. I was tired. Physically. Emotionally. And to top it all, I was spiritually weak. I was fortunate to have wise men and women with me at that time. Their words were the lifesaver in the middle of the ocean, the rope ladder in the endless desert sand. But I knew I needed more. When I finished writing last night all the things that have been racing in my mind and ravaging my heart, I wrote a short prayer asking God's grace for faith, hope and charity. I knew I couldn't do it alone.

This morning, I read an article from an email forwarded by a dear friend. It talked of the devil's temptation, and that God is not the source of evil. Yesterday, God used Ms. Nena to impart the message on Job's story from the old testament to me. Today, He again used the internet to tell me the same message.

It made me realize that I am actually blessed. On a t-shirt I have in my cabinet, it was printed "I am God's favored one". Indeed, I felt the candle of hope light up a little brighter. I felt blessed because I knew God was making me stronger. He allowed things to happen not because He wanted me to be miserable. However, it was the devil who has been feeding me with the negative emotions fueled by envy and pride that has led to the depression and hopelessness that darkened my weekend, just a few days before Christmas Day.

I felt blessed because I believe that no matter how difficult the circumstances are right now, God's grace and blessings are always much much greater. He loves me more than I can ever know.

In closing, I am sharing the last few paragraphs of what I was able to write down last night. I pray that you will also feel blessed. It is an honor to be made an instrument of God's message and love. Merry Christmas! :-)

"I felt the devil was responsible for the feelings of depression and unhappiness, anger and envy and discontent that I had been feeling. I know I needed to truly let go of my fears and with full trust in God, jump from the cliff and into God’s loving arms. He is waiting for me. God has always been with me. But I kept ignoring Him the moment I feel better. Whatever I’m experiencing, I know God is carrying me. I know I needed to undergo these things because God is purifying me. God is making me strong. Because I am weak, I give up easily, I am unforgiving. He wants me to be perfect, as He had intended me to be when He created me in His image.

Lord God, fill me with Your comforting Spirit. Help me become better. Help me to peel off the wrappings and trappings of envy, anger, discontent, and fear from my heart and soul. Grant me the grace to be always filled with hope and faith, that I may be able to love myself and others as You have loved me. Amen."

Chivalry

Lightnings strike the top of the tower while thunder roars in the background as the valiant Prince, now clad in just his chainmail armor, fights the Wicked Sorceress' evil powers with just his sword and shield. He presses on, as his lady love locked up in the tower frightfully looks on. Amidst the horrifying laughter of the Sorceress, she turns herself into the mightiest and scariest creature on earth. Breathing fire, she scorches everything to keep the Prince from approaching. Still, the Prince moves forward, driven by his love for his damsel-in-distress, his princess, his life, his love. He waits for that golden opportunity to turn the tables on the Dragon-Sorceress. The Dragon Sorceress, then, swings her horned tail to dislodge the Prince's shield. The princess, seeing the plight of her prince, desperately throws everything she can get her hands on at the Dragon Sorceress, to no avail. The poor Prince, without a shield, was no match for the evil Sorceress as she swung her tail again to finish the battle. The Princess screams as her Prince wailed in agony...

But of course, there are no dragons, valiant princes, wicked witches, and locked up princesses nowadays! Or is there?

Chivalry in the middle ages, immortalized in legends and fairy tales, may have disappeared into obsolescence as the modernization of civilizations continue to take place. However, I sometimes feel like the little girl dreaming of her prince to rescue her from the tower. Chivalry may have died as the feminist movements imposed equality between men and women, empowering women to achieve their potential but disenfranchising men who weren't as competitive or valiant as the others.

As a woman, I am grateful for the cultural changes feminism brought, but saddened by the realization that only a handful men will continue to be chivalrous amidst ridicule and criticism. I am a woman, and no matter how much I have achieved in my life, I still need rescuing. How I wish that my man could die for me. Not for fighting dragons, of course, but I wish that he would willingly die in himself for me, giving up his boyhood pleasures, inappropriate immature behavior, and instead, rescue me and care for me and protect me. Women may not understand this. I may be ridiculed for admitting weakness and being needy. I may be. But then, again, if they don't need rescuing and protection, then no one will. I do, so I hope he will.

I am Happy!

After months of inexplicable sadness, of feelings of regret, envy and want, I am finally full of hope… hopeful for a life of happiness, real happiness.

The secret?
A different look at life, the resolve to have a great day…
The gift of faith, the encouraging Word of God revealed when it is most needed…
The renewed desire to rekindle and cherish relationships…
Love, friendship, family, the comforts of home…
The realization that God did not make me to be miserable…
Prayers and conversations, kisses and warm embraces…

All these overlapping each other, being more important, equal to and less important than the rest all at the same time… all these, and the amazing realization of the one missing treasure… all these make me happy, really happy as God intended me to be.

Backfloat Realization

I feel the darkness envelop me
In a panic at first, I reach out my hand
And feel the cold sand embrace me.
In a desperate move, I rest my head
On my shoulder and relax
As the gears of my mind set off
In a wild whirlwind of thoughts
Torn between getting up and letting go

I close my eyes and no longer feel
The sand that once took hold of me.
Now I get the familiar feeling of floating
As if resting from a day's backstroke swimming
I'm afraid to open my eyes,
Afraid to drown but tired of treading
Yet I ask, am I really tired
Or just afraid to try?

I opened my eyes and find myself
In the 4-foot deep end of the pool
An arm's length from the ledge
An arm's length from redemption.

I Choose...

Psalm 46:2-11 (New American Standard Bible)

2Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change
And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea;
3Though its waters roar and foam,
Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride. Selah.
4There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
The holy dwelling places of the Most High.
5God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
6The nations made an uproar, the kingdoms tottered;
He raised His voice, the earth melted.
7The LORD of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold. Selah.
8Come, behold the works of the LORD,
Who has wrought desolations in the earth.
9He makes wars to cease to the end of the earth;
He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two;
He burns the chariots with fire.
10"Cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
11The LORD of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold. Selah.

Oh, yes, very timely... lahat ng words ni God, very timely for me and for what I am going through lately. I don't like what I'm becoming. I want to become once more the joyful, optimistic, trusting and loving person I was. But yes, I cannot do it on my own, not even with professional help.

Only God can move me. Only God can mold me... because it is He who created me. It is He who made me in His image. It is He who breathed on me. He made me for a purpose. And though that purpose is still obscurely hidden in His mystery, I believe that He wants me to stand up and fight.

I am His servant and as steward of His treasures He has given me, I will do everything to take care of these true treasures. I will not let myself or others destroy my true riches in life. Even if I did not seem to deserve these blessings, God still gave them to me.

I regret that I sometimes take these true treasures for granted and look back on the other options I would have had, had I taken another road, another choice.

I used to think I am trapped, and look back to the time when I had a choice. But then again, I still have a choice now. God does not leave us with no choice. We all have choices.

Every day, we choose to live or die. We choose to be happy or miserable. We choose to work or laze around. We choose to love or be indiffirent.

Starting today, I choose to love. I choose to be happy. I choose to be responsible. I choose to be loving. I choose to be positive. I choose to live. I choose to be still and let God be.