Year-ender

It seems a few of you are posting your year-enders... Napaisip tuloy ako... ano nga ba ang nangyari sa taong 2008?

January: we opened Granny's Hut, our small carinderia/convenience store

February: I gave birth... hehehe... and we served in the BCBP's Marriage Retreat a week before I gave birth... hehehe, adik!

March: YZ was baptized... at dumating sa buhay namin si manang... si manang na adik maglaba (as in, yung hinubad kong damit sa umaga ay makikita ko na uli sa cabinet ko pagdating ko sa gabi, kasi nalabhan na niya... adik di ba?)

April: uhm, wala lang, busy lang... hehehe, honestly, wala akong maaalalang event... bday ni lobit? hehehe :-)

May: 6th anniv namin... pero di kami nakapag-date :-( maliit pa kasi si baby... next year na lang babawi, hehehe :-)

June: bday ni hubby... sorry wala ata ako gift sa yo... promise, bawi ako starting next year... and magpapakabait na rin ako ... hehehe :-)

July: bday ni popsie...

August: commitment to formation night ng Tanauan BCLP #4, we danced ala-Meryll Streep et al to the tune of Money, Money, Chiquitita, Super Trouper, Take A Chance & Dancing Queen... hehehe, fun fun fun... especially the costumes ng guys... tita fides, you're a genius talaga! :-)

September: birthday naming 4 na magkakapatid, in denial ako that I was turning 29 na! concert ng 6cyclemind at callalily, thanks to hubby & friend lowell, may nagbantay ng booth namin, hehehe :-)

October: Mamay passed away... :-( then FE weekend #4! Waaahhh... kagulo na! Pero the best ang presentation namin... la nga lang kaming video... :-(

November: chaos, felt sad... thanks for the prayers! :-)

December: chaos, truths, half-truths, buti na lang, God sent me His angels... lobit, debbie and izel... love you mga marz!

Year 2008 was a chaotic year for me, my hubby and my family. We had a lot of decisions to make. We took risks this year too. This year, my comfort bubble was burst by people who have betrayed my no-questions-asked trust and I found it hard to forgive. But then again, as my sister said, sometimes, I have to look at these people kung bakit nila nagawa sa family namin ang mga bagay na iyon for years now. Sometimes, dapat palawakin pa rin ang pang-unawa sa mga bagay-bagay na ito. Minsan, mas kailangan nila ang panalangin para maunawaan nila ang tama at mali, para sa susunod, alam na nilang hindi sila dapat gumawa ng mali. Hay, kung may multiply lang sila anoh? :-)

This year, I got hurt but then again, I feel God gave me this situation to make me grow and to make me value more the blessings He has given to me. It is not all about me. The world does not revolve around me. And hopefully, soon, things will be normal again and you and I can become friends this time. :-)

Forgive me dear friends if I haven't been much of a caring and thoughtful and loving friend to you. I'm a work in progress and soon, I will learn to be such kind of a person.

This year, I learned that I need to be strong in my faith in God, to be faithful in my commitments to God, and to be Christ-like in every aspect of my life.

Favorite quote this year:

Pagpalain kayo ng Panginoon, palakasin nawa Niya ang inyong pananampalataya, pasayahin sa pag-asa at pakilusin sa pag-ibig... Sa ngalan ng Ama, Anak at Espiritu Santo... AMEN!

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL! GOD BLESS TO ALL!

Moving Forward in Love

Early on, I had been preoccupied with the idea of love. Grade 1 pa lang ako, may ka-M.U. na ako at dalawa pa sila. When I transferred to a new school in Grade 3, I also had my share of admirers (kasi ako yung new student). At dahil maagang umibig, maaga ring nabigo. In 6^th grade, I had this huge crush on a servicemate (ka-school service?). He was one year ahead and had really beautiful straight hair.... that’s why my codename for him was “Pantene”. Hehehe... We were okay though not buddies, but when he found out I had a crush on him, he suddenly turned cold and never talked to me ever. I never saw him after my graduation.

I went to a different highschool and was culture-shocked by the norm of having boyfriends and girlfriends at an early age. Coming from a strict newly-coed Catholic school, it was really a shock! In first year, the naive me was courted by a senior and a junior. Flattery really blinds you that’s why I never knew that the junior and his gang were just playing me until the junior compassionately stopped making pa-cute to me. As for the senior, I cannot remember exactly but I guess he sort of got back with his ex who kinda looked like me.

As a sophomore, I was a somewhat controversial rebound girl of one of the cutest in our batch. Our M.U. days which started (and ended) in the H.E. lovers’ lane lasted for about two weeks. He got back with his long-time girl after the sembreak.

In junior high, I had my sights on a sorta delinquent skateboarding guitar-playing classmate (Avril’s Sk8r Boi?). I kinda allowed him to make the first move (read: I made the first move) and was M.U. with him for about a year until we became officially “Mag-Un” early in our senior year, only to cool-off before Christmas break. He broke my heart when he had someone else as his date to the prom which meant the end of both our cool-off and our relationship. This left me to agree to be another batchmate’s date who I knew was just playing me.

It was my heartbreak but I never lost hope... that we’ll get back together again. Years passed in college and I realized it would not be good for me to get back with him because I was afraid to be hurt again by the same person. So I did not look around in a university where good-looking well-off boys were not hard to find (although most of the time, they are already taken by equally good-looking well-off girls). Well, there was this one boy in our block who was my crush and who I thought had a crush on me too, but it never materialized.

Then in my senior year in college, I saw him, unexpectedly... He, who looked like my highschool ex (the Sk8r Boi), caught my eye and took my breath away. My heart jumped at the sight of him... because he looked like my ex. At that time I wasn’t over my ex yet. Well, three years later, he eventually became my husband when i unexpectedly became pregnant. Six years later, we now have two beautiful gifts --- our children.

Looking back, I stop to think about how my life would be today if I hadn’t been too preoccupied with love and finding my destiny and all other chuva romantic ideas that the romantic comedy ‘90s filled my head with. I’m not blaming or regretting anything here, I’m just thinking, what if? I can’t help but be envious of the good fortunes of most of my classmates and officemates. Hindi naman ako haliparot o talipandas, pero sana pala, kung maibabalik ko lang, sana naging mas maingat ako at mas naging focused sa gusto kong mangyari sa buhay ko. Naniniwala akong makakapaghintay ang pag-ibig, lalo na ang tunay na pag-ibig. Pero ang mga oportunidad sa buhay, hindi na natin masasabi kung darating pa ba kung ito’y nakalampas na. Nakakapanghinayang, oo, pero nandito na ako ngayon. There’s no use looking back to regret, only looking back to reflect and moving forward to act.

Side note lang, naalala ko lang ang blessing ng pari sa mga misa sa simbang gabi ngayong taon (first time kong mag-simbang gabi this year): Patibayin nawa Niya ang inyong pananampalataya, pasayahin sa pag-asa at pakilusin sa pag-ibig! Ang ganda hindi ba? Yes, I’ve been preoccupied with love and never really got anywhere. Maybe today or tomorrow, with God’s help, I will be able to act and move out of love, because of love, and for love.

What are you hiding?

Akala mo wala akong napapansin...

Hindi ako manhid... hindi rin bato...

Pero pwede akong maging plastic...

Pero ang plastic pag sobrang init o lamig, natutunaw o pumuputok...

Masasabi mo ba sa akin kung anong itinatago mo?

Handa ba akong marinig ang sasabihin mo?

Hindi ngayon... pero bukas, makalawa...

Darating ang panahon, kailangan kong harapin ang sagot sa tanong... What are you hiding?

Suddenly Swept with Sadness

So that is what sadness feels like...

For no grave reason, I suddenly fell silent that my husband thought I got angry at him when he jokingly mentioned his gimmick schedule for august with his new-found friend X. I didn't know why, but I just felt like not speaking, my eyes downcast. Perhaps I got a bit upset. Maybe I still can't accept that at his age (30), instead of continuing to be serious, he wanted to do the things he didn't get to do when he was still a bachelor. Oh well, he didn't get to be a bachelor that long, maybe that's why he felt deprived. He'd worked his way through college, worked after college and got married early. But then, I've been convincing myself that it's okay. He just wants clean fun in the company of male friends. Wala naman kasi siyang barkada dito sa amin. Maybe he was just lonely. Maybe that's why I got upset. Maybe because I was jealous? Or maybe because I was saddened by the thought that he was lonely despite me.

Oh, it's not his fault. I'm just slow to adapt to changes. Or maybe because I was expecting him to behave the other way that's why I cannot accept his new ways.

I do not want to be upset anymore by his social life! I know I am being unfair to him, because he is a good man and he deserves to be happy... with me and with other people. Hindi ko siya pwedeng solohin.

That's why when I left the canteen this morning (just moments after he thought I got upset at his comment on his gimmicks), i did not go straight to the office. I went to the bank to pay the credit card bill, then went to the Blessed Sacrament in church and asked the Holy Spirit to enlighten me and guide me and to remove from me the sadness I was feeling. Then I read St. James' letter... er, Ang Sulat ni Santiago (because I have a Tagalog bible)... chapters 1 to 3. I stopped at chapter 3 although there are only 2 more chapters left. While reading those chapters, I felt like God was teaching me about life, attitude, about how He wants me to become. I felt God comforting me in my sadness, and at the same time guiding me towards what kind of person I should be.

"Sino sa inyo ang marunong at nakauunawa? Ipakita ninyo ito sa pamamagitan ng wastong pamumuhay na bunga ng kapakumbabaan at karunungan. Ngunit kung ang naghahari sa inyong puso ay inggit at makasariling hangarin, huwag ninyo iyang ipagmalaki at huwag ninyong pabulaanan ang katotohanan. Hindi galing sa Diyos ang ganyang karunungan, kundi mula sa Diyablo --- makasanlibutan at makalaman. Sapagkat saanman naghahari ang inggit at makasariling hangarin, maghahari din doon ang kaguluhan at lahat ng uri ng masamang gawa. Ngunit ang may karunungang mula sa Diyos, una sa lahat, ay may malinis na pamumuhay. Siya'y maibigin sa kapayapaan, mahinahon, mapagbigay, mahabagin, at masipag sa paggawa ng mabuti, hindi natatangi at hindi nagkukunwari. At namumunga ng katwiran ang binhi ng kapayapaang inihahasik ng taong maibigin sa kapayapaan." - Santiago 3:13-18 (James 3:13-18)

And God Answers, "Why Not?"

Barely minutes after posting my blog entitled "Why nga ba?", I get to read this old unread email from a business contact...

"Good day everyone, I wish I were writing under different circumstances.

I would like to inform you that my wife Leslie Cruz was part of the casualties in the Glorietta 2 Mall bombing in Makati City , Philippines . She was supposed to have a minor out patient surgery at Makati Medical Center at 230pm.

I had taken a leave from work to accompany her there. We dropped off our daughter, Amber, at my parents place in QC to babysit at around 10am. We then proceeded to Makati and was there at 1230pm. Since she had been fasting in preparation for her procedure, she wanted to move around and listen to some music while I grabbed a bite to eat. We parked at the basement of Park Square 2, and headed for the Glorietta 2 entrance. We parted at the top of the escalator, she turned right towards Filbar's while I went left towards the restaurants. That was the last time I would see her.

Around 120pm, she had called me so that we can meet at the Glorietta 2 exit just in time to make her appointment. As I made my way there from Glorietta 1 through the connecting hallways, and was about to turn the corner, I heard 2 deep thumps and the shock-wave
from the blast hit me. At that moment my heart dropped as I knew that the origin of the blast came from the same place where we were supposed to meet. I tried getting to where my wife was, but the dust was too much and it was as if I was staring at a white wall.

I still tried to convince myself that she was able to make it out, and that after ringing her mobile without a response only meant that she dropped it in the confusion. After 6 hours of searching from Makati Med. to Ospital ng Makati , the blast site, and back again
to MMC - with the help of all the people I could get hold of, that I was able to get confirmation in what the state of my wife was.

My Dad and Uncle signaled me in from the ER of MMC. My Uncle (who's a doctor) asked me to describe Leslie's appearance to another group of doctors. I saw in the eyes of one that the description made sense. Instead of confirming it to me, they huddled together, then brought me to a small examination room. It was only through a digital camera that I was able to confirm (and deny) that she was indeed gone.

I have so many regrets. I should have met her sooner. I should have ran instead of a brisk walk. I should have not chose to park where I did. I should have braved the dust and went in the blast site. I should have ...

Today's the 4th day. It is still terribly difficult to breathe, let alone wake up realizing that your source of strength, your best friend doesn't lie beside you on your bed. That my deepest worry is when Amber starts asking for her Mama.

I am glad that Amber's too young to understand the loss and pain. In time I would like to tell her the details of how her mother died, but more importantly I would like to raise her as how her mother lived - a loving person, strong willed, decisive, caring, and nurturing. She has always cared for her family and friends, and sacrficed her career for being a full time
mom and home maker.

As with all couples we had our ups and downs - none of which I regret not going through. The sweet is never as sweet without the sour. For almost 4 years of marriage, we've finally hit our balance in life only to be taken away in an instant. I have no regrets about our marriage. She has loved me and Amber beyond her capacity. I will always love her.

It is my first time to write to egroup as I've lurked and watched emails being sent to and fro. All I want now is that for each of the couples here is to cherish each moment that we spend with our loved ones. Pretty simple to say, very easy to take for granted.

Thank you all for the prayers. I would still like to ask you to please include Leslie in them until her 40th day so that the path to God's kingdom is well lit and she is no longer in the dark.

Sincerely,

Carlo Cruz

=========

I remember hearing this email read to us by our priest-facilitator in the BCBP Family Encounter Weekend last Nov 2007. And now, receiving this email so many months thereafter... and reading this barely minutes after blogging about self-pity due to my financial and career situation, I realize that God is really looking out for me. He doesn't allow me to wallow in self-destructive envious thoughts. He wants me to be happy. He wants me not to ask "Why?"... but "Why not?"... He wants me to find happiness in His love and His blessings for me, not in the blessings that He gave the people around me. He wants me to "consider the lilies of the field, they neither toil nor spin... but I tell you that even Solomon was not arrayed like these..."

Thank you dear Lord, and I am sorry for ever thinking that I am less-blessed than others when You have given me more than I deserve.

Why nga ba?

There have been drastic changes in our economy these past few years and we were not spared. To make a long intro short, the thing is, I sometimes feel sorry for myself. Not that I am ungrateful... because in the goodness of God, He always provides for us.

But then, there are those times. Hindi naman sa naiinggit ako (pero ganun na rin yun), I tend to look myself and my current financial and career situation and sometimes ask, "Why?". Why am I struggling with debts? Why can't I pay my home loan amortization on time? Why can't I save? Why can't I get out of our financial slump? Why is my business losing money? Why can't I balance my checkbook? Why can't I travel? Why can't I go to Boracay, like everyone else? Why can't I be a globe-trotter, like the others? Why can't I be fashionably fabulous? Why can't I be luxurious? Why can't I have enough? Why am I here?

Ang daming "Why" ano? Why nga ba?