Dark Clouds

The dark clouds of depression that came on Saturday rolled over to the first day of the last week at work for the year. It felt like being stuck in desert sand up to the knees, with some more sand being poured on you, as if you were inside a huge hourglass, trapped. It felt like being afloat in the middle of the ocean, with the waves tossing you about, as if you were inside a giant snowglobe-like paperweight, only filled with oil and water; again, trapped.

Last night, on my way home, I typed away the truths I've kept hidden in my heart. The negative feelings I repressed, knowing they were not of God, have caused cracks in my already broken heart. I have kept a lid on my feelings, especially on those of hurt, anger, envy, and as a consequence, have caused my heart to bleed. An inflamed heart is sensitive. A pin-sized prick is enough to make it burst. And that's what happened to me.

Good thing or bad thing? Who knows? I shocked myself when I vented out my frustration at the office pantry table. I found myself admitting the envy that has been eating me up. The silent sacrifices have only brought more whips to my already wounded spirit. Impatience has been wearing me down. I was tired. Physically. Emotionally. And to top it all, I was spiritually weak. I was fortunate to have wise men and women with me at that time. Their words were the lifesaver in the middle of the ocean, the rope ladder in the endless desert sand. But I knew I needed more. When I finished writing last night all the things that have been racing in my mind and ravaging my heart, I wrote a short prayer asking God's grace for faith, hope and charity. I knew I couldn't do it alone.

This morning, I read an article from an email forwarded by a dear friend. It talked of the devil's temptation, and that God is not the source of evil. Yesterday, God used Ms. Nena to impart the message on Job's story from the old testament to me. Today, He again used the internet to tell me the same message.

It made me realize that I am actually blessed. On a t-shirt I have in my cabinet, it was printed "I am God's favored one". Indeed, I felt the candle of hope light up a little brighter. I felt blessed because I knew God was making me stronger. He allowed things to happen not because He wanted me to be miserable. However, it was the devil who has been feeding me with the negative emotions fueled by envy and pride that has led to the depression and hopelessness that darkened my weekend, just a few days before Christmas Day.

I felt blessed because I believe that no matter how difficult the circumstances are right now, God's grace and blessings are always much much greater. He loves me more than I can ever know.

In closing, I am sharing the last few paragraphs of what I was able to write down last night. I pray that you will also feel blessed. It is an honor to be made an instrument of God's message and love. Merry Christmas! :-)

"I felt the devil was responsible for the feelings of depression and unhappiness, anger and envy and discontent that I had been feeling. I know I needed to truly let go of my fears and with full trust in God, jump from the cliff and into God’s loving arms. He is waiting for me. God has always been with me. But I kept ignoring Him the moment I feel better. Whatever I’m experiencing, I know God is carrying me. I know I needed to undergo these things because God is purifying me. God is making me strong. Because I am weak, I give up easily, I am unforgiving. He wants me to be perfect, as He had intended me to be when He created me in His image.

Lord God, fill me with Your comforting Spirit. Help me become better. Help me to peel off the wrappings and trappings of envy, anger, discontent, and fear from my heart and soul. Grant me the grace to be always filled with hope and faith, that I may be able to love myself and others as You have loved me. Amen."