Suddenly Swept with Sadness

So that is what sadness feels like...

For no grave reason, I suddenly fell silent that my husband thought I got angry at him when he jokingly mentioned his gimmick schedule for august with his new-found friend X. I didn't know why, but I just felt like not speaking, my eyes downcast. Perhaps I got a bit upset. Maybe I still can't accept that at his age (30), instead of continuing to be serious, he wanted to do the things he didn't get to do when he was still a bachelor. Oh well, he didn't get to be a bachelor that long, maybe that's why he felt deprived. He'd worked his way through college, worked after college and got married early. But then, I've been convincing myself that it's okay. He just wants clean fun in the company of male friends. Wala naman kasi siyang barkada dito sa amin. Maybe he was just lonely. Maybe that's why I got upset. Maybe because I was jealous? Or maybe because I was saddened by the thought that he was lonely despite me.

Oh, it's not his fault. I'm just slow to adapt to changes. Or maybe because I was expecting him to behave the other way that's why I cannot accept his new ways.

I do not want to be upset anymore by his social life! I know I am being unfair to him, because he is a good man and he deserves to be happy... with me and with other people. Hindi ko siya pwedeng solohin.

That's why when I left the canteen this morning (just moments after he thought I got upset at his comment on his gimmicks), i did not go straight to the office. I went to the bank to pay the credit card bill, then went to the Blessed Sacrament in church and asked the Holy Spirit to enlighten me and guide me and to remove from me the sadness I was feeling. Then I read St. James' letter... er, Ang Sulat ni Santiago (because I have a Tagalog bible)... chapters 1 to 3. I stopped at chapter 3 although there are only 2 more chapters left. While reading those chapters, I felt like God was teaching me about life, attitude, about how He wants me to become. I felt God comforting me in my sadness, and at the same time guiding me towards what kind of person I should be.

"Sino sa inyo ang marunong at nakauunawa? Ipakita ninyo ito sa pamamagitan ng wastong pamumuhay na bunga ng kapakumbabaan at karunungan. Ngunit kung ang naghahari sa inyong puso ay inggit at makasariling hangarin, huwag ninyo iyang ipagmalaki at huwag ninyong pabulaanan ang katotohanan. Hindi galing sa Diyos ang ganyang karunungan, kundi mula sa Diyablo --- makasanlibutan at makalaman. Sapagkat saanman naghahari ang inggit at makasariling hangarin, maghahari din doon ang kaguluhan at lahat ng uri ng masamang gawa. Ngunit ang may karunungang mula sa Diyos, una sa lahat, ay may malinis na pamumuhay. Siya'y maibigin sa kapayapaan, mahinahon, mapagbigay, mahabagin, at masipag sa paggawa ng mabuti, hindi natatangi at hindi nagkukunwari. At namumunga ng katwiran ang binhi ng kapayapaang inihahasik ng taong maibigin sa kapayapaan." - Santiago 3:13-18 (James 3:13-18)

And God Answers, "Why Not?"

Barely minutes after posting my blog entitled "Why nga ba?", I get to read this old unread email from a business contact...

"Good day everyone, I wish I were writing under different circumstances.

I would like to inform you that my wife Leslie Cruz was part of the casualties in the Glorietta 2 Mall bombing in Makati City , Philippines . She was supposed to have a minor out patient surgery at Makati Medical Center at 230pm.

I had taken a leave from work to accompany her there. We dropped off our daughter, Amber, at my parents place in QC to babysit at around 10am. We then proceeded to Makati and was there at 1230pm. Since she had been fasting in preparation for her procedure, she wanted to move around and listen to some music while I grabbed a bite to eat. We parked at the basement of Park Square 2, and headed for the Glorietta 2 entrance. We parted at the top of the escalator, she turned right towards Filbar's while I went left towards the restaurants. That was the last time I would see her.

Around 120pm, she had called me so that we can meet at the Glorietta 2 exit just in time to make her appointment. As I made my way there from Glorietta 1 through the connecting hallways, and was about to turn the corner, I heard 2 deep thumps and the shock-wave
from the blast hit me. At that moment my heart dropped as I knew that the origin of the blast came from the same place where we were supposed to meet. I tried getting to where my wife was, but the dust was too much and it was as if I was staring at a white wall.

I still tried to convince myself that she was able to make it out, and that after ringing her mobile without a response only meant that she dropped it in the confusion. After 6 hours of searching from Makati Med. to Ospital ng Makati , the blast site, and back again
to MMC - with the help of all the people I could get hold of, that I was able to get confirmation in what the state of my wife was.

My Dad and Uncle signaled me in from the ER of MMC. My Uncle (who's a doctor) asked me to describe Leslie's appearance to another group of doctors. I saw in the eyes of one that the description made sense. Instead of confirming it to me, they huddled together, then brought me to a small examination room. It was only through a digital camera that I was able to confirm (and deny) that she was indeed gone.

I have so many regrets. I should have met her sooner. I should have ran instead of a brisk walk. I should have not chose to park where I did. I should have braved the dust and went in the blast site. I should have ...

Today's the 4th day. It is still terribly difficult to breathe, let alone wake up realizing that your source of strength, your best friend doesn't lie beside you on your bed. That my deepest worry is when Amber starts asking for her Mama.

I am glad that Amber's too young to understand the loss and pain. In time I would like to tell her the details of how her mother died, but more importantly I would like to raise her as how her mother lived - a loving person, strong willed, decisive, caring, and nurturing. She has always cared for her family and friends, and sacrficed her career for being a full time
mom and home maker.

As with all couples we had our ups and downs - none of which I regret not going through. The sweet is never as sweet without the sour. For almost 4 years of marriage, we've finally hit our balance in life only to be taken away in an instant. I have no regrets about our marriage. She has loved me and Amber beyond her capacity. I will always love her.

It is my first time to write to egroup as I've lurked and watched emails being sent to and fro. All I want now is that for each of the couples here is to cherish each moment that we spend with our loved ones. Pretty simple to say, very easy to take for granted.

Thank you all for the prayers. I would still like to ask you to please include Leslie in them until her 40th day so that the path to God's kingdom is well lit and she is no longer in the dark.

Sincerely,

Carlo Cruz

=========

I remember hearing this email read to us by our priest-facilitator in the BCBP Family Encounter Weekend last Nov 2007. And now, receiving this email so many months thereafter... and reading this barely minutes after blogging about self-pity due to my financial and career situation, I realize that God is really looking out for me. He doesn't allow me to wallow in self-destructive envious thoughts. He wants me to be happy. He wants me not to ask "Why?"... but "Why not?"... He wants me to find happiness in His love and His blessings for me, not in the blessings that He gave the people around me. He wants me to "consider the lilies of the field, they neither toil nor spin... but I tell you that even Solomon was not arrayed like these..."

Thank you dear Lord, and I am sorry for ever thinking that I am less-blessed than others when You have given me more than I deserve.

Why nga ba?

There have been drastic changes in our economy these past few years and we were not spared. To make a long intro short, the thing is, I sometimes feel sorry for myself. Not that I am ungrateful... because in the goodness of God, He always provides for us.

But then, there are those times. Hindi naman sa naiinggit ako (pero ganun na rin yun), I tend to look myself and my current financial and career situation and sometimes ask, "Why?". Why am I struggling with debts? Why can't I pay my home loan amortization on time? Why can't I save? Why can't I get out of our financial slump? Why is my business losing money? Why can't I balance my checkbook? Why can't I travel? Why can't I go to Boracay, like everyone else? Why can't I be a globe-trotter, like the others? Why can't I be fashionably fabulous? Why can't I be luxurious? Why can't I have enough? Why am I here?

Ang daming "Why" ano? Why nga ba?