Consistency

Consistency... something I never had but longed to have...

I don't know why I'm like this. I always had bright ideas, visions, missions, structured systems, etc. in my mind, but I only get to execute them for just a while. In our elementary Sibika (Civics & Culture)lessons (before the Civics & Culture subject was integrated with History & Geography), this behavior defines the "Filipino" trait: Ningas-kugon.

It's only now that I can admit to myself that I have this characteristic. I seem to have lost focus on where I should be heading. Perhaps it's because deep inside I thought that my plans would be disregarded because usually, it's my parents' decisions that I have to eventually comply with. Not that they're dictators or tyrants! Perhaps despite my rebellious streak (or perhaps because of it!), I tend to obey my parents more often (or could it be because of guilt?).

I'm actually starting to be afraid for myself because right now, I'm starting to lose my passion... for work, most of all. Or maybe it's because my priorities have started to change? Could it be so? I'm just not used to this. Before I got married and bore a child, I had always imagined myself in a high-rise building, wearing designer business suits and high heels, with big accessories, professional makeup and hairstyle... living the successful life of the ultimate career woman. With that vision came the jetsetter lifestyle (now referred to as globetrotter, by the way), an equally successful professional husband, a big house in a posh subdivision complete with everything (including a large spiral staircase... think of a mini-version of the staircase in Sound of Music or Gone With the Wind), cars, the works! But in that vision, children were not included. I guess I've always known I didn't have the "mother" gene/s but was afraid to admit it for fear of being like Lavinia in the Sharon Cuneta blockbuster (and my all-time favorite flick starring Ate Shawie & Cheri) "Bituing Walang Ningning".

Now, my life is far from that vision. We're not poor, but still not comfortable as I had hoped we'd be. I'm still hoping there'll come the day when we'll be moving to our own house in the subdivision lot we've started to pay for just last year. I'm still yearning to have once a year domestic travels with my family (and international trips once every 5 years), and of course, that Europe tour with my hubby! I'm working for my family's business, not for someone else's, that's why I don't have that corner office in that high-rise building.

But hey, don't get me wrong! I'm not complaining, I'm just musing, looking back at that road I could have taken. Of course, sometimes I cannot help but feel somewhat nearly feeling disappointed with the choices I've made.

Perhaps it's the frustration that my plans don't pull through that make me lose my passion to dream.

But hey, again, who am I to insist on my plans? It's not about me, after all. It's about Him. He has plans for me. Whatever I have now came from His grace. I count my blessings now. Every morning is a blessing (it means I'm still alive & the world is still turning)! Every smile from my child is a blessing (it means he's okay and happy)! Every kiss from my husband is a blessing (it means he still loves me and he's still in love with me)! Every greeting from our employees is a blessing (it means we still have our business)! Every song I hear on the radio is a blessing (it means I'm not yet deaf)! Every blog I write is a blessing (it means I still have freedom to speak, that I am capable of thinking and writing my thoughts)!

Every single detail of my ordinary life is a blessing!

Now, going back to the first few paragraphs, do you now see why consistency escapes me most of the time?

How do we choose?

This coming May 14, we're going to choose our nation's leaders from municipal or city councilors to the senators. I bet, just like the years before, when we arrive at the voting precinct of our barangay in the morning of election day, the place will be swarmed with "supporters" handing out flyers, pamphlets and sample ballots at the last minute. And of course, there will be the "poll watchers" who are given access inside the precinct and supposedly just wandering harmlessly, but you can't help and suspect whether they're actually spying on what the voters are writing on the ballots. Our precinct is not as organized as the ones I see on TV where the school chairs are arranged one seat apart and a folder standing upright on the chair's tables to be used as cover by the voter while doing his duty. Hell no! In our precinct, we are made to sit on chairs used by the pre-elementary students, and made to write on the small tables used by the same. This makes it easier for "poll watchers" to loiter around the room, glancing every now and then at what voters are writing. Sometimes, when these "poll watchers" see relatives or friends, they approach and chat "innocently".

Sometimes I wish I could change precincts... but hey, that's not the point. In highschool, we were taught that we can change the system. Now, we are parents... but I can't see how we can change the system. I can't just pass that duty to my child! It's unfair and with this mindset, the vicious cycle will never end. I bet, our parents were told that they were the future of the nation and that they too can change the system, hence the activism during Martial Law era. And I bet, their parents before them were also told this adage. But still, have we really changed the system? Or are we just changing the faces we see up there?

Hindi ko alam kung paano ako makakatulong sa pagbabago ng ating bansa, pero ang alam ko, gusto kong mabago ang pananaw ng karamihan. Nalulungkot ako kapag naririnig ko ang mga dahilan o basehan ng pagboto o pagpili ng ilan sa aking mga kakilala. Sabi ng ilan, ang iboboto nila ay yung sikat, yung mukhang mabait, yung siguradong mananalo, yung nag-donate sa barangay nila, yung nag-donate sa school nila, yung nag-sponsor ng liga nila, yung nagpayaman sa probinsya nila... Sapat na ba iyon? Dati, ang pilosopiya ko rin ay karapat-dapat piliin ang mga kandidatong nakakatulong sa kapwa. Tama naman ito, kaya lang, nagiging daan ito sa mas lalong paghirap ng mga mahihirap (dahil umaasa lamang sila sa mga makukuhang "tulong" sa mga kandidato, kaya pumipila sila sa bahay o opisina ng mga pulitiko tuwing may kailangan sila at tuwing may okasyon tulad ng piyesta at Pasko ng Pagsilang ni Kristo) at ang patuloy na pangungurakot ng karamihan upang mabawi ang mga naibigay na tulong. Oo nga at nag-donate sila ng pera para maipagawa ang gym o ang kalsada o ang barangay hall o ang paaralan. Pero, alam ba natin kung tama ang halaga ng mga pagpapagawang ito sa normal na halaga? Ibig kong sabihin, nakakasiguro ba tayong hindi sila nag-over-pricing para makakuha ng kick-back? Kung pera ang ibinigay, nakakasiguro ba tayong ito'y taos-puso nilang pagtulong hindi lamang sa personal na kadahilanan kundi ayon sa kanilang pangkalahatang plano ng pag-unlad ng ating bayan? Ibig kong sabihin, ang mga naipangako ba nilang mga plano ng pag-unlad at pagpapagaan ng ating mga buhay ay naisasagawa nila? Ang pagtulong nila ay hindi dapat nababase lamang sa kung sino ang humihingi at pumipila sa kanilang mga opisina. Ang pagtulong nila sa bayan ay dapat naaayon sa isang Master Plan. May specific objective o layunin. May priority projects na paglalaanan ng mga pondo. Hindi strike anywhere. Hindi palakasan.

Minsan, may mga taong pumapasok sa pulitika upang mabago ito, pero nalalamon siya ng sistema: maaaring siya'y umalis o siya'y matutulad din sa mga taong nais niyang baguhin. Mahirap baguhin ang sistema dahil hindi lamang mga pulitiko ang corrupt. Pati mga tao, hindi lamang sa mga opisina ng gobyerno kundi pati na rin ang mga ordinaryong tao, ay corrupt ang pananaw, corrupt ang konsensya, corrupt ang prinsipyo. Corrupt = Sira. Kailangan talagang lahat ay mabago.

Ngayong eleksyon, paano ako pipili ng lider? Unang-una, ako'y magdarasal, at hihingi ng patnubay ng Panginoon kung ano ang aking magiging desisyon. Pangalawa, pag-aaralan kong mabuti ang mga pagkatao ng mga kandidato at ang kanilang mga pangako. Pangatlo, titingnan ko ang aking anak habang siya ay natutulog at ako'y magninilay kung ano ang pinakamagandang hakbang na aking gagawin para sa kanya. Hindi dapat ang ating mga anak ang magdala ng mga pasanin ng ating bansa. Kailangang tayo ang mag-alay sa kanila ng isang magandang bukas.

Gusto ba natin silang maghirap tulad natin --- maghirap sa pera, maghirap ang loob? Gusto ba nating hanggang sa kaapu-apuhan natin, marami pa ring Pilipino ang umaalis ng bansa upang makaranas ng kaunting kaginhawaan, upang malaman lamang na ang mga anak at asawang naiwan ay nagwawaldas ng pera o gumagawa ng hindi maganda? Nais ba nating hanggang sa kaapu-apuhan natin, ang Pilipinas ay watak-watak pa rin, katulad ng pagkakawatak-watak ng mga isla natin? Tuwing rebolusyon lang ba tayo magkakaisa, upang magkanya-kanya lang uli pagkatapos?

Kailangan natin alisin ang pagiging makasarili. Gawin natin ang ating tungkulin ngayong Mayo na ang iniisip ay ang kabutihan at kaunlaran ng buong bansa. Matuto tayo ng panibagong pananaw --- iyong hindi makasarili.