Consistency

Consistency... something I never had but longed to have...

I don't know why I'm like this. I always had bright ideas, visions, missions, structured systems, etc. in my mind, but I only get to execute them for just a while. In our elementary Sibika (Civics & Culture)lessons (before the Civics & Culture subject was integrated with History & Geography), this behavior defines the "Filipino" trait: Ningas-kugon.

It's only now that I can admit to myself that I have this characteristic. I seem to have lost focus on where I should be heading. Perhaps it's because deep inside I thought that my plans would be disregarded because usually, it's my parents' decisions that I have to eventually comply with. Not that they're dictators or tyrants! Perhaps despite my rebellious streak (or perhaps because of it!), I tend to obey my parents more often (or could it be because of guilt?).

I'm actually starting to be afraid for myself because right now, I'm starting to lose my passion... for work, most of all. Or maybe it's because my priorities have started to change? Could it be so? I'm just not used to this. Before I got married and bore a child, I had always imagined myself in a high-rise building, wearing designer business suits and high heels, with big accessories, professional makeup and hairstyle... living the successful life of the ultimate career woman. With that vision came the jetsetter lifestyle (now referred to as globetrotter, by the way), an equally successful professional husband, a big house in a posh subdivision complete with everything (including a large spiral staircase... think of a mini-version of the staircase in Sound of Music or Gone With the Wind), cars, the works! But in that vision, children were not included. I guess I've always known I didn't have the "mother" gene/s but was afraid to admit it for fear of being like Lavinia in the Sharon Cuneta blockbuster (and my all-time favorite flick starring Ate Shawie & Cheri) "Bituing Walang Ningning".

Now, my life is far from that vision. We're not poor, but still not comfortable as I had hoped we'd be. I'm still hoping there'll come the day when we'll be moving to our own house in the subdivision lot we've started to pay for just last year. I'm still yearning to have once a year domestic travels with my family (and international trips once every 5 years), and of course, that Europe tour with my hubby! I'm working for my family's business, not for someone else's, that's why I don't have that corner office in that high-rise building.

But hey, don't get me wrong! I'm not complaining, I'm just musing, looking back at that road I could have taken. Of course, sometimes I cannot help but feel somewhat nearly feeling disappointed with the choices I've made.

Perhaps it's the frustration that my plans don't pull through that make me lose my passion to dream.

But hey, again, who am I to insist on my plans? It's not about me, after all. It's about Him. He has plans for me. Whatever I have now came from His grace. I count my blessings now. Every morning is a blessing (it means I'm still alive & the world is still turning)! Every smile from my child is a blessing (it means he's okay and happy)! Every kiss from my husband is a blessing (it means he still loves me and he's still in love with me)! Every greeting from our employees is a blessing (it means we still have our business)! Every song I hear on the radio is a blessing (it means I'm not yet deaf)! Every blog I write is a blessing (it means I still have freedom to speak, that I am capable of thinking and writing my thoughts)!

Every single detail of my ordinary life is a blessing!

Now, going back to the first few paragraphs, do you now see why consistency escapes me most of the time?