Suddenly Swept with Sadness

So that is what sadness feels like...

For no grave reason, I suddenly fell silent that my husband thought I got angry at him when he jokingly mentioned his gimmick schedule for august with his new-found friend X. I didn't know why, but I just felt like not speaking, my eyes downcast. Perhaps I got a bit upset. Maybe I still can't accept that at his age (30), instead of continuing to be serious, he wanted to do the things he didn't get to do when he was still a bachelor. Oh well, he didn't get to be a bachelor that long, maybe that's why he felt deprived. He'd worked his way through college, worked after college and got married early. But then, I've been convincing myself that it's okay. He just wants clean fun in the company of male friends. Wala naman kasi siyang barkada dito sa amin. Maybe he was just lonely. Maybe that's why I got upset. Maybe because I was jealous? Or maybe because I was saddened by the thought that he was lonely despite me.

Oh, it's not his fault. I'm just slow to adapt to changes. Or maybe because I was expecting him to behave the other way that's why I cannot accept his new ways.

I do not want to be upset anymore by his social life! I know I am being unfair to him, because he is a good man and he deserves to be happy... with me and with other people. Hindi ko siya pwedeng solohin.

That's why when I left the canteen this morning (just moments after he thought I got upset at his comment on his gimmicks), i did not go straight to the office. I went to the bank to pay the credit card bill, then went to the Blessed Sacrament in church and asked the Holy Spirit to enlighten me and guide me and to remove from me the sadness I was feeling. Then I read St. James' letter... er, Ang Sulat ni Santiago (because I have a Tagalog bible)... chapters 1 to 3. I stopped at chapter 3 although there are only 2 more chapters left. While reading those chapters, I felt like God was teaching me about life, attitude, about how He wants me to become. I felt God comforting me in my sadness, and at the same time guiding me towards what kind of person I should be.

"Sino sa inyo ang marunong at nakauunawa? Ipakita ninyo ito sa pamamagitan ng wastong pamumuhay na bunga ng kapakumbabaan at karunungan. Ngunit kung ang naghahari sa inyong puso ay inggit at makasariling hangarin, huwag ninyo iyang ipagmalaki at huwag ninyong pabulaanan ang katotohanan. Hindi galing sa Diyos ang ganyang karunungan, kundi mula sa Diyablo --- makasanlibutan at makalaman. Sapagkat saanman naghahari ang inggit at makasariling hangarin, maghahari din doon ang kaguluhan at lahat ng uri ng masamang gawa. Ngunit ang may karunungang mula sa Diyos, una sa lahat, ay may malinis na pamumuhay. Siya'y maibigin sa kapayapaan, mahinahon, mapagbigay, mahabagin, at masipag sa paggawa ng mabuti, hindi natatangi at hindi nagkukunwari. At namumunga ng katwiran ang binhi ng kapayapaang inihahasik ng taong maibigin sa kapayapaan." - Santiago 3:13-18 (James 3:13-18)