Moving Forward in Love

Early on, I had been preoccupied with the idea of love. Grade 1 pa lang ako, may ka-M.U. na ako at dalawa pa sila. When I transferred to a new school in Grade 3, I also had my share of admirers (kasi ako yung new student). At dahil maagang umibig, maaga ring nabigo. In 6^th grade, I had this huge crush on a servicemate (ka-school service?). He was one year ahead and had really beautiful straight hair.... that’s why my codename for him was “Pantene”. Hehehe... We were okay though not buddies, but when he found out I had a crush on him, he suddenly turned cold and never talked to me ever. I never saw him after my graduation.

I went to a different highschool and was culture-shocked by the norm of having boyfriends and girlfriends at an early age. Coming from a strict newly-coed Catholic school, it was really a shock! In first year, the naive me was courted by a senior and a junior. Flattery really blinds you that’s why I never knew that the junior and his gang were just playing me until the junior compassionately stopped making pa-cute to me. As for the senior, I cannot remember exactly but I guess he sort of got back with his ex who kinda looked like me.

As a sophomore, I was a somewhat controversial rebound girl of one of the cutest in our batch. Our M.U. days which started (and ended) in the H.E. lovers’ lane lasted for about two weeks. He got back with his long-time girl after the sembreak.

In junior high, I had my sights on a sorta delinquent skateboarding guitar-playing classmate (Avril’s Sk8r Boi?). I kinda allowed him to make the first move (read: I made the first move) and was M.U. with him for about a year until we became officially “Mag-Un” early in our senior year, only to cool-off before Christmas break. He broke my heart when he had someone else as his date to the prom which meant the end of both our cool-off and our relationship. This left me to agree to be another batchmate’s date who I knew was just playing me.

It was my heartbreak but I never lost hope... that we’ll get back together again. Years passed in college and I realized it would not be good for me to get back with him because I was afraid to be hurt again by the same person. So I did not look around in a university where good-looking well-off boys were not hard to find (although most of the time, they are already taken by equally good-looking well-off girls). Well, there was this one boy in our block who was my crush and who I thought had a crush on me too, but it never materialized.

Then in my senior year in college, I saw him, unexpectedly... He, who looked like my highschool ex (the Sk8r Boi), caught my eye and took my breath away. My heart jumped at the sight of him... because he looked like my ex. At that time I wasn’t over my ex yet. Well, three years later, he eventually became my husband when i unexpectedly became pregnant. Six years later, we now have two beautiful gifts --- our children.

Looking back, I stop to think about how my life would be today if I hadn’t been too preoccupied with love and finding my destiny and all other chuva romantic ideas that the romantic comedy ‘90s filled my head with. I’m not blaming or regretting anything here, I’m just thinking, what if? I can’t help but be envious of the good fortunes of most of my classmates and officemates. Hindi naman ako haliparot o talipandas, pero sana pala, kung maibabalik ko lang, sana naging mas maingat ako at mas naging focused sa gusto kong mangyari sa buhay ko. Naniniwala akong makakapaghintay ang pag-ibig, lalo na ang tunay na pag-ibig. Pero ang mga oportunidad sa buhay, hindi na natin masasabi kung darating pa ba kung ito’y nakalampas na. Nakakapanghinayang, oo, pero nandito na ako ngayon. There’s no use looking back to regret, only looking back to reflect and moving forward to act.

Side note lang, naalala ko lang ang blessing ng pari sa mga misa sa simbang gabi ngayong taon (first time kong mag-simbang gabi this year): Patibayin nawa Niya ang inyong pananampalataya, pasayahin sa pag-asa at pakilusin sa pag-ibig! Ang ganda hindi ba? Yes, I’ve been preoccupied with love and never really got anywhere. Maybe today or tomorrow, with God’s help, I will be able to act and move out of love, because of love, and for love.